Life & Stuff, Poetry, You're As Mad As I Am (Mental Health)

Lil Fat Girl – Poem

Oh god, have you seen yourself, lately?

You seem to have put on a little

Weight.

Wait? Have I?

I didn’t notice.

How could you not notice?

It’s in your face

Your thighs

Your belly

And your ass.

Now that you’ve told  me,

The fat enters my

Mind.

I’m fat.

Fat.

Fat.

Fat.

When did this happen?

What is this feeling?

That curve and bulge as I sit down,

Do they call it

Muffin top?

Sounds delicious.

But I’m not delicious.

Am I?

No, you’re too big.

Big isn’t beautiful.

Big is too big to be beautiful.”

Wait.

Not so long ago,

Wasn’t I too thin?

Yes, but now,

You’re too big.

How do I win?

You can’t.”

Am I being punished

For finally eating right?

For finally eating more?

For finally being

Normal?

Ask your stretch marks,

Those lines that purple and crinkle your skin

Are they normal?

Ask that double chin that puffs up your face

Is that normal?

Ask the jeans that no longer fit

Is that normal?

Huh?

Is it?

But it’s my body.

It’s not healthy.”

But I work out.

It’s not enough.

But I’m eating vegetables and fruit and variety-

That’s just not good enough.”

I’m just not good enough.

Not good enough.

Aren’t my curves sexy?

The celebrities, they have

These big asses and breasts and thighs

Don’t I look like them now?

No.

How could you?

You can only be sexy if

Your waist and face are small,

Whilst the rest is

Big.

You can’t be big all over,

Silly.

Silly me.

Should I chisel at my waist,

Crave up my face?

Squeeze and push until

I fit into your template?

Your stencil?

No, lil fat girl, stop.

We don’t want your imperfections here.

Fat is all you can be.

When was the last time,

That you went to the gym?

Put yourself on display,

In front of those judgemental,

Well-sculpted muscle-heads?

Watch as they pose for 

Instagram

And remember that you don’t

Truly belong there.

Not really.

Because you’re breathless.

Breathless, sweaty, and red.

That’s not attractive.

No one wants to see that.

So, hide away.

And don’t come back again,

Until your clothes become,

A few sizes too small.

Until the scale reads

Zero.

This poem was written in a stream of consciousness from my own feelings. Once I was too slim, now I’m being told I look too big. I feel stuck in a place where I can’t win. I am working on my body, keeping it fit and healthy. I’m eating better than I ever have, which has added to my weight gain.

I wanted to write this poem to show people that your body is your regardless of its shape or size. As long as you’re healthy, or trying to be, it shouldn’t be your aim to try and impress other people or fit an ideal. Love yourself, always. And to those of you who are constantly judgemental or mean about those who have different bodies to you, shame on you.

 

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